


Things Billy Kaplan Cannot Do As A Young Avenger

by Dorksidefiker



Category: Marvel 616, Young Avengers
Genre: Crack, M/M, skippy list
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-09
Updated: 2012-12-09
Packaged: 2017-11-20 16:34:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/587464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dorksidefiker/pseuds/Dorksidefiker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A long, strange list of things Billy Kaplan is no longer allowed to do.  Inspired by the original Skippy List, added to by my fellow fans, and finally reposted here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things Billy Kaplan Cannot Do As A Young Avenger

1\. Should not tell Captain America that my long term goals include taking over the world with my army of flying monkeys.  
2\. Not allowed to stalk Spider-Man.  
3\. Not allowed to beg for autographs from any Avenger, both current and former.  
4\. Not allowed to take incriminating photos of the Avengers.  
5\. Not allowed to Photoshop incriminating photos of the Avengers.  
6\. Not allowed to create incriminating photos of the Avengers using magic.  
7\. Not allowed to hide the Cheezits from Iron Man.  
8\. Not allowed to shave Wolverine and sell the hair.  
9\. Not allowed to make Wolverine voodoo dolls from aforementioned hair.  
10\. Not allowed to lock Eli and Kate into a closet together.  
11\. Not allowed to lock Vision and Cassie into a closet together.  
12\. Not allowed to lock myself and Teddy into a closet together.  
12b. Not even if Teddy doesn't mind (added by [](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/profile)[**amarin_rose**](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/) )  
13\. Not allowed to lock Captain America and Iron Man into a closet together.  
14\. Not allowed to turn Vision into a toad.  
15\. Not allowed to throw Toad Vision at a wall to break the spell because Cassie refuses to kiss him.  
16\. Not allowed to turn Eli into a toad.  
17\. Not allowed to throw Toad Eli at a wall to break the spell because Kate refuses to kiss him.  
18\. Not allowed to take advantage of Teddy while he sleeps and draw things on his back.  
18b. Not even if Teddy doesn't mind (added by [](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/profile)[**amarin_rose**](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/) )  
19\. Not allowed to write **Property of Billy Kaplan** anywhere on Teddy.  
19b. Not even if Teddy doesn't mind (added by [](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/profile)[**amarin_rose**](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/) )  
20\. My code name is Wiccan, not Princess Anastasia.  
21\. Not allowed to threaten allies with magic.  
22\. Not allowed to zap people just because they’ve annoyed me.  
23\. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul.  
24\. Not allowed to let hand puppets take responsibility for my actions.  
24b. Not even if I use magic to make the hand puppets responsible for said actions. (added by [](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/profile)[**amarin_rose**](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/) )  
25\. Not allowed to sing _High Speed Dirt_ by Megadeath while flying anyone around.  
26\. Body paint is not a uniform (no matter how much Teddy likes it).  
26b. Nor is chocolate body-sauce.  
27\. It is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission no longer applies to Billy Kaplan.  
28\. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.  
29\. Mimes are not supervillains, and I am not allowed to treat them as such.  
30\. Not allowed to use my powers to randomly squish things.  
30b. Not even if there is another insect/arachnid infestion. In that case, call an exterminator. (added by [](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/profile)[**amarin_rose**](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/) )  
31\. Crucifixes do not ward of Captain America and I am not allowed to test this.  
31b. Norse sigils infused with my magic will ward off Thor, but I should not test this. (added by [](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/profile)[**amarin_rose**](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/) )  
32\. Not allowed to emulate the Full Monty whenever _Hot Stuff_ is playing, no matter how much Teddy likes it.  
33\. Not allowed to zap children for being rude.  
34\. Not allowed to perform lap dances for Teddy while in uniform.  
35\. It counts if I take off the uniform during the course of the lap dance.  
36\. Not allowed to make Tommy mute (no matter how much Wolverine offers to pay me).  
37\. Not allowed to use my powers to trip Tommy when he is running.  
38\. Not allowed to throw up force fields in front of Tommy when he is running.  
39\. Not allowed to shave Tommy bald.  
40\. Not allowed to dye Tommy’s hair pink.  
41\. Not allowed to have anything to do with Tommy.  
41b. Never mind that he might be my twin brother. (added by [](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/profile)[**amarin_rose**](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/) )  
42\. Not allowed to hunt down the Super Skrull.  
43\. Not allowed to declare war on the Kree Empire.  
44\. Should not refer to Kate as our Sugar Mama.  
45\. Should not refer to Iron Man as our Sugar Daddy.  
46\. Should not refer to Iron Man as Spider-Man's Sugar Daddy.  
47\. Not allowed to make out with Teddy at the Lair.  
48\. Not allowed to make out with Teddy in the training room of the Avengers Tower.  
49\. Not allowed to make out with Teddy in the den of the Avengers Tower.  
50\. Not allowed to make out with Teddy in the kitchen of the Avengers tower.  
51\. Not allowed to make out with Teddy for the sole purpose of weirding Tommy out.  
52\. Not allowed to make out with Teddy anywhere Captain America can see us.  
53\. Not allowed to point out how much more advanced Vision is than anything Iron Man has made, as it only makes him cry.  
54\. Not allowed to get into trouble with the law just so I can get She-Hulk to be my lawyer so I can get her autograph.  
55\. Not allowed to beg Wolverine to get me the autographs of the following X-Men: Nightcrawler, Beast, Northstar, Angel, Gambit, Cannonball, Storm, Colossus.  
  
Added by [](http://the-bumper-car.livejournal.com/profile)[**the_bumper_car**](http://the-bumper-car.livejournal.com/) on 04-14-06  
56\. Not allowed to stare at Spiderbutt when Teddy's around.  
57\. Not allowed to stare at Spiderbutt when MJ's around.  
58\. Not allowed to stare at Spiderbutt when Tony Stark's around.  
59\. Not allowed to try to break-up Peter and MJ's marriage.  
60\. Not allowed to try to break-up Peter and Tony.  
  
Added by [](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/profile)[**amarin_rose**](http://amarin-rose.livejournal.com/) on 4-14-06  
61\. Not allowed to fake someone else's autograph and sell it.  
62\. Not allowed to sell my own autograph (not even if I give the money to charity).  
63\. Not allowed to use my powers to win a charity marathon.  
64\. Not allowed to start a metahumans-only charity marathon (not even if everyone but Iron Man thinks the idea rocks).  
65\. Not allowed to be pissy when Tony Stark starts a metahumans-only charity marathon and use magic to give him a wedgie in the middle of his welcoming speech on live television.  
66\. Not allowed to use magic to give anyone a wedgie.  
67\. Not allowed to use magic to do anything involved with anyone's underwear, not even my own.  
67b. No, not even to do laundry.  
  
Added by [](http://violet-arrows.livejournal.com/profile)[**violet_arrows**](http://violet-arrows.livejournal.com/) on 4-14-06  
68\. Don't pester Hawkeye about what the term "taut" stand for.  
  
Added by [](http://fullmetal-cute.livejournal.com/profile)[**fullmetal_cute**](http://fullmetal-cute.livejournal.com/) on 4-14-06  
69\. Not allowed to make Zombie jokes about Hawkeye.  
70\. Not allowed to make Zombie jokes about Spider-Man.  
71\. Not allowed to pretend to be a zombie.  
72\. Not allowed to become a zombie.  
73\. Not allowed to make zombies.  
74\. Not allowed to watch Zombie movies all night long.  
75\. Not allowed to refer to Spider-Man as Morlun-Bait.  
  
Added by [](http://magus-69.livejournal.com/profile)[**magus_69**](http://magus-69.livejournal.com/) on 4-15-06  
76\. [Not allowed to molest Teddy in the shower.](http://yaoi.y-gallery.net/view/241924/)  
76b. No matter how much he begs.  
77\. Not allowed to magic anybody's clothes off.  
77b. Not even in battle, when it would serve as a distraction.  
77c. Especially not allowed to 'accidentally' magic Johnny Storm naked.  
77d. Unless Spider-Man or the Thing pay me to do it.  
78\. Not allowed to set up video cameras in Cap's or Tony's rooms.  
78b. Not even when Thor comes back and the 'Big Three' consequently boot everyone else out of the Tower.  
  
Added by [](http://fullmetal-cute.livejournal.com/profile)[**fullmetal_cute**](http://fullmetal-cute.livejournal.com/) on 4-17-06  
79\. Not allowed to throw Tommy off the top of the Avengers Tower to see if speedsters bounce.  
80\. Not allowed to join the Runaways.  
81\. Not allowed to join Excelsior.  
82\. Not allowed to stalk Ricochet.   
83\. Not allowed to stalk Rick Jones.  
84\. Not allowed to ask Wolverine for Anole’s number.  
85\. Not allowed to call Vision ‘Hal’.  
86\. Vision is not one of the Borg.  
87\. Not allowed to stalk Johnny Depp.  
88\. My name is not a killing word.  
89\. I should not play into Sentry’s delusion of the moment.  
90\. Not allowed to hire Deadpool to kidnap Tommy.  
91\. Turning gay bashers into pink badgers is not superhero behavior.  
92\. Not allowed to become Dr. Doom’s apprentice.  
93\. Not allowed to stalk Johnny Storm.  
94\. Not allowed to ask if all of Mr. Fantastic stretches.  
95\. Not allowed to ask if the Thing is rock all over.  
96\. Not allowed to give Franklin Richards Mountain Dew.  
97\. Not allowed to give Tommy Mountain Dew.  
98\. Starbucks cards are not appropriate presents for Tommy.  
99\. Not allowed to switch Wolverine’s coffee with motor oil.  
100\. Not allowed to turn Eli into a girl, no matter how much Kate pays me.  
101\. I should not encourage Vision’s delusion that the computers are trying to get him into a dress.  
102\. Not allowed to taunt Tommy with coffee.  
103\. Not allowed to give Tommy Pixi Stix  
104\. Not allowed to have Pixi Stix  
105\. Not allowed to model myself after Loki  
106\. Not allowed to become a supervillain.  
107\. Not allowed to encourage Tommy to become a supervillain.  
108\. Not allowed to pounce on Johnny Storm when he comes to visit Spider-Man.  
109\. Not allowed to carve BK+TA on the side of the Tower.  
110\. Not allowed to carve EB+KB on the side of the Tower.  
111\. Not allowed to carve PP+MJW on the side of the Tower, no matter how much Mary Jane pays me.  
112\. Not allowed to carve PP+TS on the side of the Tower.  
113\. I am not immune to Cassie’s pout.  
114\. Not allowed to zap Cassie’s step-dad.  
115\. Not allowed to zap Kat Ferrel.  
116\. Not allowed to taunt Kat Ferrel.  
117\. Not allowed to talk to Kat Ferrel.  
118\. Not allowed to help Vision on his quest for hormones.  
119\. Not allowed to set fire to St. Patrick’s Cathedral.  
120\. Not allowed to shout “Aunt May and Jarvis!” around Spider-Man no matter how much Mary Jane pays me.   
121\. The moldy piece of cheese in the back of the fridge is not my familiar. 122. His name is Albert, and he belongs to Spider-Man.  
123\. I am not the King of the Forest, and the squirrels and chipmunks are not mine to command.  
124\. It does not matter how cute it would be, how much Cassie begs, or how much Kate pays me. I am not allowed to turn Tommy into a giant rabbit.  
  
Added by [](http://the-bumper-car.livejournal.com/profile)[**the_bumper_car**](http://the-bumper-car.livejournal.com/) on 4-18-06  
125\. Not allowed to stare at Jessica Drew's boobies.  
125b. Especially if they just might scare me straight.  
126\. Not allowed to make "Hard out here for a pimp" jokes around Luke Cage.  
127\. Not allowed to magic a pimp hat onto Luke Cage.  
128\. Not allowed to magic a pimp cane onto Luke Cage.  
129\. Not allowed to touch things in Dr. Strange's lair.  
130\. Even if they ask me to touch them.  
131\. Attempting to pirate Wong to be my personal henchman is very rude.  
132\. Attempting to magically brainwash Tommy to be my personal henchman is dangerous.  
133\. Not allowed to play with the Sentry's reflection.  
134\. Not allowed to join the Masters of Evil.  
135\. Not allowed to join the Thunderbolts.  
136\. Not allowed to mock the Great Lakes Avengers.  
137\. I may be distantly related via marriage to the Inhuman Royal Family, but I may not claim to be royalty.  
138\. I will not zap Tommy when he calls me a princess.  
  
Added by [](http://darkpike.livejournal.com/profile)[**darkpike**](http://darkpike.livejournal.com/) on 6-23-06  
139\. The phrase Fag-Hag is not to be used at Mary Jane, and webbing is not a sex toy  
  
Added by [](http://fullmetal-cute.livejournal.com/profile)[**fullmetal_cute**](http://fullmetal-cute.livejournal.com/) on 6-23-06  
140\. The Kree are not after Teddy for breeding purposes.  
141\. Not allowed to threaten to pull a Phoenix if the Skrull or the Kree so much as look at Teddy funny.  
142\. Not allowed to reshape reality as I see fit.  
142a. Even if my mother did it. (added by [](http://saturns-hikari.livejournal.com/profile)[**saturns_hikari**](http://saturns-hikari.livejournal.com/) )  
142b. Even if she wasn’t really my mothermother  
142c. Even if it means Teddy and I get to share a bedroom.  
142d. *Especially* if it means Teddy and I share a bedroom.  
143\. Not allowed to find out how much duct tape it takes to stick someone to a wall.  
144\. Not allowed to turn anyone into a duct tape mummy.  
145\. Not allowed to try anything I saw on The Red Green Show.  
146\. Not allowed to have duct tape.  
  
Added by [](http://saturns-hikari.livejournal.com/profile)[**saturns_hikari**](http://saturns-hikari.livejournal.com/) 6-23-06  
147\. Not allowed to change Eli into a girl.  
147a. "Because he made Teddy shapeshift into a girl!" is not a good excuse  
147b. Even if Teddy's stuck like that for a week.  
148\. Even if Kate really really doesn't mind.  
148b. Especially if Kate doesn't mind and holds girl!Eli hostage in the hotub.  
148c. Even if Eli doesn't mind and *pays* me.  
148d. Not allowed to give Tommy a video camera.  
  
Added by 9944908 12-19-06  
149\. Not allowed to make jokes about being Teddy's sugar daddy.  
  
Added by [](http://fullmetal-cute.livejournal.com/profile)[**fullmetal_cute**](http://fullmetal-cute.livejournal.com/) 09-08-07  
150\. Not allowed to blame things I do on Tommy.  
150 a. Not allowed to blame things I do on alternate universe versions of me.  
  
Added by [](http://magus-69.livejournal.com/profile)[**magus_69**](http://magus-69.livejournal.com/) 09-10-07  
151) Not allowed to magic fictional characters into existence.  
151a) Not even Dr. Frank N Furter.  
151b) Especially not Captain Jack Sparrow.  
152) Not allowed to use my magic for sexual purposes.  
152a) No matter how popular an orgasm-spell would make me.  
  
Added by [](http://denzelryuu.livejournal.com/profile)[**denzelryuu**](http://denzelryuu.livejournal.com/) 09-10-07  
153) not allow to get Teddy to transform into me to take my place at school  
153 a) not even if this mean he can use his superstrength on Kesler  
154) not allow to get Teddy to transform into other people in bed  
155) not allow to run away with Teddy to the stars to unite the Skrull and the Krees  
156) not allow to stop Iron Man with a Skrull/Kree army  
  
Added by huntress023 @ hotmail.com on 01-16-08  
  
157) Not allowed to team up with Luna and use Inhuman tech to mess with Tommy.  
158) Not allowed to give into Luna's demands and use magic to alter reality for her (must resist puppy dog eyes dammit).  
159) Even if she pouts or starts to cry and it makes you feel as though you took her favorite toy.  
160) Not allowed to kidnap Luna from Attilan.  
161) Even if all we were doing was going to an amusement park, kidnapping causes pandenmoium especially with her track record.  
162) Not allowed to give her sugar in any of its forms.  
163) Not allowed to have staff around Lockjaw (he thinks its a stick toplay fetch with).  
  
Added by huntress023 @ hotmail.com on 01-17-08  
  
164) Not allowed to pawn off babysitting duties to sneak off and make out with Teddy.  
164 a) It could cause a super-kid genius a.k.a Franklin and a very manipulative and persuasive Luna to outsmart the unwitted replacement and sneak out to terrorize New York.  
165) Not allowed to use Luna to get out of trouble.  
166) Even if no one can resist those big eyes.  
167) Not allowed to ask Mom if she will give discounts for group therapy sessions.  
168) Even if all the Avengers teams need it after the events of the Civil War.  
169) Or even if Iron man and Captain America need the moral support to get their relationship back on track and to finally come out of the closet.  
170) Not allowed to teach Luna and Franklin swear words.  
171) Even if I try and blame it on Tommy and Johnny.  
172) Corrupting the minds of future superheroes is wrong it could lead to the dark side.  
173) Not allowed to pull a Queer Eye with Teddy and give Vision a new look  
174) Even if we can give Vision the confidence to finally ask Cassie out on a date.  
175) Not allowed to gawk at Northstar, Teddy's glares unsettle him.  
176) Not allowed to bribe Anole to camouflage himself to get pics of Northstar in the shower or while dressing.  
177) Even if he will do it for free and allowed to have copies of the pics.  
178) Not allowed to start teaching Valeria Richards magic just yet.  
179) Magic in the hands of a toddler is dangerous  
180) Even if one day she shall be my disciple in all my magical endeavors  
181) Not allowed to do anymore time travel spells  
182) Once is okay everyone has to do it at least once, twice pushes it, and well three times its so not worth the headache  
183) Not allowed to travel to alternate realites  
184) They will either lead to confusion, headaches, and/or the possiblity that self or Teddy are girls or straight  
  
Added by [](http://icon-uk.livejournal.com/profile)[**icon_uk**](http://icon-uk.livejournal.com/) 04-15-09  
  
185\. Not allowed to enhance spellcasting with "jazz hands"  
186\. Not allowed to enhance ANYTHING with "jazz hands"  
187\. Not allowed to make my spells rhyme. Trying to do so makes me sound like a bad whiteboy rapper... Kevin Federline bad.  
188\. Will not allow myself to fall for the "Ohwa Tagoo Siam" trick AGAIN!  
189\. Not allowed to enhance any bodypart I was born with, it's a no-no  
190\. Not allowed to enhance any bodypart Teddy was born with, it's a no-no  
191\. Not allowed to enhance any bodypart Logan was born with, it's suicide.  
192\. Not allowed to travel to the DCU to ogle Nightwing's butt (again)  
193\. Not allowed to put movies I took of Nightwing's butt on MU Youtube.  
194\. Not allowed to make compromising video with Teddy impersonating other superheroes just to start rumours. No matter how much fun.  
195\. Not allowed to bother Cypher with another seance. No matter how cute he was, Logan insists we let the only reliably dead mutant remain undisturbed.  
196\. Not allowed to using musical numbers from High School Musical as team rallying cry without prior approval from all members of the team.  
  
Added by [](http://urplesquirrel.livejournal.com/profile)[**urplesquirrel**](http://urplesquirrel.livejournal.com/) 04-16-09  
  
197\. Not allowed to think about Teddy around any telepath.  
197b) Not even if I keep my thoughts PG-13  
197c) They won't stay that way.  
198\. Not allowed to go on talk shows.  
198b) Especially not Ellen Degeneres.  
198c) REALLY ESPECIALLY NOT Jerry Springer.  
198d) Even if Teddy would come with me and thinks it would be fun.  
199\. Not allowed to use recording devices for any aspect of my "dalliances" with Teddy.  
200\. Not allowed to ask for the footage from the security cameras.  
200b) Not even audio-only.  
201\. Not allowed to have sex with Teddy while he's shape-shifted to look like someone else.  
201b) Especially not one of the Avengers.  
202\. Not allowed to ask Iron Man how he knows about anything Teddy and I do in private, because the answer will disturb me.  
202b) Really, don't do it.  
202c) Because it kills the libido like nothing else, and Teddy won't forgive me if it takes me a month to be able to even contemplate sex without grossing myself out.  
203\. Not allowed to remedy this by sharing what I've learned with Teddy. He has enough mental scars.  
  
204: Despite all evidence to the contrary, I am not a prince.  
205: It worries people when I indicate that I plan to rule the Skrull Empire through Teddy.  
206: No quoting the Evil Overlord list for any reason.  
207: Thor can countermand most orders I am given. Hercules cannot.


End file.
